Lately
by Ms.E1928
Summary: She's too happy too content and he's suspicious of the cause.
1. Lately

Was listening to some music and got inspired. I wanted more of a build up to Mellie and Andrew being discovered than what was on the show so I got inspired to write my own. This is just a little one shot. Lyrics are Lately covered by Jodeci. Reviews welcome even bad ones unless you just want to tell me how much you hate Mellie and I'm delusional for liking her.

I watch her although she doesn't seem to notice. I can't put my finger on it but she's different. She smiles more, smiles that reach her eyes. I sit and watch as she stares off into space and a ghost of a smiles graces her features as if she is remembering a pleasant event. She turns to me and notices that I am looking at her. The smile quickly drops from her face and she clears her throat before turning back to what she was reading. Something is amiss and although I don't know what it is I know I don't like it.

_Lately I've had the strangest feeling  
With no vivid reason here to find  
But yet the thought of losing you been hanging  
Around my mind_

I've returned to our bedroom. I need to watch her. I have a sneaking suspicion that she's been leaving the White House after she puts Teddy to bed. A number of times I've run into her in the hallway as I was heading to the Oval in the early morning hours. She ignores my questioning glances and just walks past me. I've decided to put an end to that, whatever that is.

I make sure to head to the Residence early tonight. When I walk into the bedroom I spy Mellie sitting at her dressing table combing her long chestnut hair. She spritzes her favorite fragrance behind her ear.

"Going somewhere?" I say sarcastically. I notice she rolls her eyes but does not answer me. She continues primping in the mirror. I notice she is in bed attire but I know all this is not for me. "You sure are primping for just going to bed."

She whips around and pins me with an icy stare. "When have you become so concerned with what I do?" It takes all I have not to become hurt by her words no matter how true but I realize it's a avoidance tactic. She walks past me her silk robe billowing behind her. The smell of orchids wafts past my nose and I know that she is wearing her favorite perfume, a perfume I picked up for her in Paris right before our third anniversary. A fragrance that she only wears on special occasions. My suspicions and worry are peaked.

"I asked you a question Mellie?" She stops mid stride and looks at me.

"And what was that Fitzgerald?" She says cocking her head to the side.

"Are you going somewhere?" I am serious but she laughs at me looking down at her attire.

"Does it look like I'm going somewhere Fitzgerald?" I cringe at the use of my full name and I feel like an ass considering she is in her night clothes.

"Sorry no I guess you aren't." She shakes her head and goes into the bathroom, closing the door, closing me out.

_Far more frequently your wearing perfume  
With you say the special place to go  
But when I ask will you be coming back soon  
You don't know never know_

I retire to bed before she comes out of the bathroom. I know she's been hiding out in there waiting for me to go to bed. I turn off the lights and climb into our bed, sleep quickly starting to take over me. As I slip deeper into sleep I hear her come out of the bathroom and walk across the room. The smell of orchids lulling me deeper into sleep. I don't ever feel her get into bed but I can't be quiet sure as I am taken into dream land.

When I awake the next morning I roll over and my hand comes into contact with cold bedding. My eyes fly open and I immediately know that she didn't sleep with me last night. I close my eyes trying to quail the panic rising inside of me. Could she be….. I refuse to even finish the thought. I decide to pretend that she just slept in another bedroom. It's not like we are on good terms. She's become increasingly upset and despondent about my relationship with Olivia.

I throw the covers off my body and head to the bathroom, but I stop before doing so and I grab the receiver of the bedside table.

"Is the First Lady in her office?" I ask Mellie's secretary when she answers the phone. "How long has she been in there?" "No no please don't not disturb her." I stand in front of the full length mirror and stare at myself. What I see staring back I can't say that I like it. Could she be….again I can't even finish the thought. The beginnings of the deep ache that threaten to swallow me at just the thought are too much for me to bare. I know it's not rational what I feel but that doesn't change that I feel it.

I dress and exit the Residence heading down to the Oval. Before I walk in I ask Lauren to have Tom come to my office. Tom arrives some 5 minutes later.

"You needed me sir?"

"I need you to find out if the First Lady left the White House last night?" I waste no time. I see a slight twitch in his face and I know he is surprised that I am making this inquiry, I am surprised I am making this inquiry.

"Of course sir I will find out and report back."

"Thank you Tom, that will be all." Tom turns and leaves.

Tom reports back within the hour and confirms to me that she did in fact leave the White House and that she was out all night and did not return to the early morning hours. My heart sinks. He gives me a location, and I do not recognize it.

"I want surveillance. I want to know where she's going and who she's seeing." He nods and leaves immediately.

I can no longer ignore what is right in front of me. She's cheating on me. A strangled breath exits my body. She was accused of cheating during the campaign, I didn't take it serious because I always took for granted that she'd be by my side and no matter what would never stray but so much had changed. Our relationship had become toxic and where there was silence now there is arguing and contempt. Words laced with hateful intent ,declarations of war and threats of destroying the others reputation. Still I just can't accept that she has strayed and I try to find some other reason for the sneaking around.

_Lately I've been staring in the mirror  
And it's very slowly picking me apart  
I've tried to tell myself I have no reason  
With your heart_

Tom comes to me 3 days later.

"Sir I have that surveillance you asked for." He lays the envelope on my desk and I just stare at it. Tom stands and waits for further instructions.

"You're dismissed." I state never moving my eyes from the envelope, I don't even notice Tom leave. In my mind I am willing the contents not to be what I think the contents are. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before opening the envelope. Laid out before me is my worst nightmare. Pictures of Mellie entering a building that I do not recognize, an apartment building apparently. The next set of pictures are of her in the apartment. Apparently Tom was able to get in and install cameras, she walks around the place comfortable, obviously having been there many times. The more I shuffle through the pictures the more my heart beats.

I get to a picture that shows the figure of a man but does not quiet capture his face. Several pictures show them embracing, kissing, his hands all over my wife. My jaw clinches. In the next set of photos showing them parting my ire raises to dangerous levels when I look upon the face of my Vice President and supposed friend Andrew Nichols. My breath comes out in hot angry puffs as I realize that this man that sits and smiles in my face is fucking my wife. There are more pictures but I cannot look at them, if I see him having sex with my wife I do not think I will be able to stop myself from killing him.

I sit staring at the stack of pictures on my desk. My mind flashing back to the night I moved back into our bedroom. Mellie had been sleeping when I slipped in and apparently I had caught her in the middle of a dream. As I passed the bed to go into the bedroom I thought I heard her whisper a name but the moment was so fleeting that I put it in the back of my mind until the next morning. When I inquired about her vivid dream she denied knowing what I was talking about but I could tell from the brief sparkle in her eyes that was not the truth. Now recalling that moment I realize that she whispered Andrew's name. My jaw clinches and my nostrils flare as I heatedly push myself away from my desk. I stalk towards her office ready to put this all out in the open.

_Now just the other night while you were sleeping  
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name  
But when I ask you of the thought's your keeping  
You just say nothing's changed_

I breeze past her secretary who stands to try to get me to stop. I hear her say in the distance that Mellie is in a meeting but I don't care. I burst into her office and find her in Andrew's arms. They quickly pull apart and at least she has the good sense to appear embarrassed. I slam the door behind me and I stalk over to Andrew, before he can react I punch him and he stumbles back.

"Fitz!" Mellie screams as she kneels to help Andrew I pull her out of the way so that I can have another go at this traitor. Andrew stands up barrels into me knocking me over.

"Stop this right now!" Mellie is anxiously screaming. The commotion causes her Secret Service to burst into the room and immediately separate us. She stands in the corner with her mouth covered, look of utter shock gracing her features. I stand up and dust my suit off. The Secret Service come to check me out but I waive them off. After making sure all is well they leave the room. Mellie continues to stand in the corner as I stare at her intently.

"Really? You're fucking him?" I know I'm a hypocrite but I don't care. I don't want this man or any other man touching what's mine.

"You have some nerve Fitz." I ignore Andrew this is between me and my wife although I am not happy that he'd betray me this way. I'll deal with him later. I make a move to step closer to Mellie and Andrew blocks my path. I stare him up and down.

"If you know what's good for you you'll move Andrew." I state through clinched teeth, the rage within threatening to consume me.

"No I won't let you hurt her anymore." A sardonic laugh spills forth.

"I don't know what sob story she's been telling you, but she is no angel."

"I know you haven't been there for her. I've known that for a long time." Mellie sensing a shift in the conversation comes forth.

"Andrew please." She lays a hand on his shoulder and he stops talking, dropping his head. I don't know what just transpired but it's clear that Andrew knows something about my wife that I don't and that makes me even angrier.

"What the fuck is going on here?" And I don't mean just their affair and I can tell from their expressions that they understand that.

"Andrew let me talk to Fitz." He looks at her stunned.

"No I'm not leaving you alone with him." I laugh sarcastically.

"You're not leaving me alone with my wife?" I make a point to stress the my pointing to my chest.

"Oh so she's your wife now? You are nothing but a spoiled brat Fitz, always have been. You've messed this woman over for years, ignored her, treated her like trash and now you want to get upset because I have come along to appreciate what you couldn't?" The words slam home but I am not willing to give in.

"My wife, yes Andrew and you need to leave as she asked you." Mellie places a hand on his shoulder and I want to rip it away from him.

"Andrew please let me talk to Fitz." He stares at her before relenting.

"Fine but I'm not going far." He says giving me a pointed look. I guess I am supposed to be afraid, I am not, I'm too angry to be afraid of anything right now. As soon as he leaves I whip around to her.

"How could you do this?" She seems taken aback by my statement.

"How could I do this? So you can cheat and I can't?"

"You have turned me away ever since Jerry was born saying that you were dead inside, but that's not the case now is it Mellie?" She seems nervous with my line of questioning but in true Mellie fashion she tamps down those emotions and carries on.

"I think you're being a little liberal with that statement. I have not completely turned you away since Jerry. Having a baby changed me and no I didn't want it as often as I did before but I did not completely turn you away."

"Maybe not physically but emotionally you left me. Which was the biggest transgression you could ever place against me."

"I have never left your side Fitz. I have always fought for you and if you knew the pieces of myself I've given away for you."

"Why don't you tell me Mellie? You keep throwing that in my face about what you've done for me, tell me what Saint Mellie has done for me to justify this betrayal." She remains silent.

"Why don't we just agree to stay out of each other's way? I won't say anything about you and Olivia, you don't say anything about me and Andrew." I can't help but to burst out laughing.

"You really think I am going to stand idly by while another man fucks my wife? Answer this Mellie since you've had this sexual resurgence." I say in air quotes. "Why didn't you come to your husband that you claim to care so much for?" It's her turn to laugh.

"The same husband that called me ornamental or the one that told me he was waging war on me or how about the one that threatened to falsely out me as a racist if I didn't accept him leaving me for his mistress." I have no come back. She shakes her head. "That's what I thought."

"I won't allow him to be VP and fuck my wife. If he wants you then he needs to step down as VP."

"Why are you doing this Fitz? You don't want me why can't I be happy? Do you hate me that much?" It was quite the opposite but I was not going to let her know that.

"You are my wife. I will not sit idly by and watch another man be with you." I say as I get in her face. I can see tears welling in her eyes and it takes everything in me not to try to soothe her.

"We are over Fitz. After your term we are going to be divorced you know and I know it. This is all a formality so why even go through all of this?" I step away from her.

"He can have you or he can be VP which could lead to him being president. What do you think he will choose?" I don't allow her to answer. When I open the door Andrew stands from the sofa in the waiting area and pins me with a deadly look. I give him a tight smile as a stride past him, out of the corner of my eye I see him rush into her office. I know what he'll choose men like us never choose love. I've bought myself some time and I know she won't be saying good this time.

_Well I'm a man of many wishes  
I hope my premonition misses but what I really feel  
My eyes won't let me hide 'cuz they always start to cry  
'Cuz this time could mean goodbye_


	2. Not Gon Cry

**A/N : **This isn't a continuation of Lately but what I've decided to do is a series of song based one shots. And I'm just going to group them together under this one. Thanks for reading and for the reviews they inspire me to keep it going.

My mind drifts back to the early days of our marriage, when we were happy. Before that terrible thing happened before I shut down. I am not delusional to not take responsibility for my part in the change of our marriage. I will admit that I was surprised at how easy it was for him to walk away from me emotionally, not even try to find out why I had changed. We had one or two conversations, well not really conversations more like shouting matches. His big concern was the sex. He'll tell you that we didn't have sex for 10 years but that of course isn't the truth. The truth is we didn't have sex as often as he'd have liked and the ways he wanted. What I mean by ways is that I could no longer emotionally connect. I love my husband and I know that it does not always seem that way. I am attracted to my husband but I felt so deeply scarred after what happened that I did not think I was worthy. I blamed myself, if only I'd pushed him harder, screamed louder, maybe I should have hit him, but I was frozen with terror… I was weak.

Because I couldn't be there for him emotionally I decided to be there for him in other ways. I was always a Fitz champion. His spirit was broken when we got together. Anybodies would after being raised by Big Jerry and I did all that I could to build him back up. Before the incident I still had my own political and professional ambitions. I was partner in a law firm after all but after it I knew that I had to make sacrifices to make sure he got what he wanted. And Fitz may act like he didn't want to be governor and then president but he did. I remember it so clearly that night after the incident I went to our bedroom and he expressed that he would make a good governor. Up until that point I was ready to throw it all in, to get away from Big Jerry as soon as possible but I wanted him happy. I knew then that a part of me was dead and would always be so, but I wanted to help him even if I couldn't help myself.

I made choices that set us on a disastrous course, that has brought us to a place where we can barely stand to be in the same room together. It was not my intention to lose my husband after I lost myself. I needed him to help me to pick up the pieces I thought he would do that even if he didn't know what was going on. I thought we were more connected than we were. I thought so many things incorrectly. I thought he loved me.

_While all the time that I was loving you  
You were busy loving yourself  
I would stop breathing if you told me to  
Now you're busy loving someone else_

I left my job as a partner to become full time political wife and eventual mother. I listened to him, listened to all his hopes and dreams. Built up his confidence to believe he could achieve all of them. I put aside what happened to me to help him. Not only to gain a political advantage, but because I knew Fitz would never be able to handle what his dad did to me. I knew that Fitz would have killed his father and then had an emotional breakdown. I knew I was the stronger of the two so I kept it all inside for him. And what thanks did I get? I have watched him walk away from me, turn me into a villain look at me with scorn and disdain. He has disrespected me, not even having enough care and respect for me to hide that he's having an affair. He throws her in my face every chance he gets. I never thought trying to do what was best for him would turn into him hating me.

_Eleven years out of my life  
Besides the kids I have nothing to show  
Wasted my years a fool of a wife  
I should have left your ass a long time ago_

"What do you want Mellie?" Is the terse reply I get when I walk into his office. I am feeling particularly sensitive today. It's our anniversary and I'd thought that maybe he would remember, I was wrong.

"Will you be around for dinner tonight?" I had built up my bravado to come here and see if he wanted to have an anniversary dinner with me, but seeing his reaction to me has caused my resolve to crumble.

"Again what do you want Mellie?" He says not even looking at me. I take a deep breath and blink to keep the tears from falling.

"I wanted…." My voice cracks and I stop mid-sentence. He looks up at me quizzically. I clear my throat and start anew. "I wanted to see if you wanted to have dinner with me tonight." My voice sounds small and meek even to my own ears.

"Why would I want to do that? I have told you I'm done pretending." He looks at me sternly before going back to his papers. I have been dismissed. I turn on my heels and rush back to my office before the tears spill forth.

Once in my office I think back to all the days, weeks, months I spent working on his campaign for governor. How I was there when no one else was, I'd be the first one at the office and the last to leave. And now I can't even get him to acknowledge our anniversary and have a simple dinner with me. A lone tear escapes and I angrily swipe it away.

_I was your lover and your secretary  
Working every day of the week  
Was at the job when no one else was there  
Helping you get on your feet_

"Hello Mellie" Andrew Nichols, Fitz's new VP says to me with a smile. I give him a small smile. I've known Andrew for many years, he is the only other person living that knows what happened to me. I don't know what compelled me to tell him, but I did after he saved me from my suicide attempt. Sometimes I feel grateful that he did, sometimes I wish he'd have let me die.

"Andrew" I say as I nod at him and keep walking. Andrew has a thing for me. He's a nice guy, very handsome but my heart for better or worse belongs to Fitz. It is nice to have someone appreciate me as a woman though, I am not going to lie.

"Mellie wait." I stop and turn to him. "Did you have a lovely evening last night?" I know what he is referring to. He remembers my anniversary even when the man I am married to does not. I look away to keep from breaking down as I subtly nod yes. I sneak a peek at his face and I can tell from his scrutiny that he does not believe me. Andrew steps closer.

"When are you going to stop sacrificing yourself for him? He does not deserve you Mellie." Andrew states harshly through gritted teeth. I can see years of frustration written all over his face. I know that Andrew thinks he's a better man for me and he is probably right but I am not yet ready to walk away. I must be a sadist to keep going back for more punishment.

"Andrew please don't do this." I whisper trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. His hand raises to swipe across my cheek but halts in mid-air when we hear the clearing of a throat. I look over his shoulder to see Fitz standing there looking perturbed.

"Am I interrupting?" I step away from Andrew, shaking my head as I step around him and walk away. I can feel both men's eyes on me as I walk away. Before I am out of ear shot I hear Andrew make an excuse to walk away.

I decide to make my way back up to the Residence. I don't have anything else on my schedule and I don't want to be cooped up in a stuffy office. When I reach our bedroom I head to the closet to change into something more comfortable. The heels are removed first, I flex my feet trying to loosen up the stiff muscles in them. I undress down to my bra and panties and start looking through my clothes for something comfortable to put on. Nothing in my draws satisfies me. I decide to look in his drawers and I find an old Harvard Law t-shirt of his. I can't help but to bring it to my nose and smell the faint scent of his cologne that lingers. The tears spring forth again and I blink them away. I pull his t-shirt over my head, it hits just past my thigh and I hug myself trying to wrap myself in his presence.

I exit the closet and walk over to a small shelf that we keep in our bedroom. I grab the huge leather bound photo album off the shelf and settle into one of the large wing back chairs, tucking my legs underneath my body I begin to look through the album. I smile at some of the pictures, birthdays, Christmas morning with the kids, happier times. My mind goes back and forth between then and now, trying to collect and hold on to all the happy memories.

"What are you doing?" His voice scares me. I hadn't realized he'd even entered the bedroom.

"Nothing" I say as I close the book. He walks past me.

"Since when do you go into my belongings without asking?" He throws over his shoulder as he heads toward the same shelf that I collected the album from to grab a portfolio laying on the top. I know he is talking about me in his t-shirt.

"I didn't think you'd mind." I say as I untuck my legs and pull the shirt down self-consciously.

"Just like you to assume. By the way if you're going to fuck Andrew at least be discreet about it." His voice has a hard edge to it. I can't help but to stare at this stranger before me. He raises an eyebrow at me waiting for me to respond, I don't. He shakes his head and leaves back out of the bedroom without another word.

_Eleven years of sacrifice  
And you can leave me at the drop of a dime  
Swallowed my fears, stood by your side  
I shoulda left your ass a thousand times_

I am adult enough to know that in life there are no fairytale happy endings. That there will be hardships and trials that you have to go through, but I never thought that I'd be going through them alone. Fitz didn't come to bed last night. I'm sure that he didn't even sleep in the White House last night. He was with her. I walk to the Oval to discuss a visit from the kids. I walk past Lauren smiling as she is on the phone. She holds up her finger to stop me but I ignore her. I open the door to find Olivia and Fitz in a heated embrace. I stop short. My heart doesn't break it's already broken into a million tiny pieces.

"Oh sorry to interrupt." Olivia looks down but I can't tell if she's embarrassed at being caught or that she's fucking my husband. Maybe both maybe neither.

"What do you want Mellie?" What do you want Mellie I mimic in my head.

"I told you that I would be coming by to discuss the kids visit." He nods remembering. Olivia makes her goodbyes and walks past me closing the door behind her. Fitz turns to walk to his desk and I follow closely behind.

"Don't start Mellie." I stop looking at him confused, he notices. "Don't act like you weren't about to nag me about Olivia."

"I wasn't" I say simply as I take a seat next to his desk. He looks at me surprised.

"You weren't?"

"No, now I have my calendar….."

"Why because Andrew has you preoccupied?" He cuts me off and states snidely. I can't help but to furrow my brow.

"I haven't a clue what you're talking about….. like I was saying."

"Come off of it Mellie. You throw my affair up in my face all the time when you're having one of your own." He stands from his chair like it's on fire and stalks over to the Scotch decanter. To say I'm confused is an understatement. I swivel around to look at him his eyes are burning holes in me.

"I really don't know what you are talking about Fitz. I'm not having an affair with Andrew or anyone for that matter. I didn't come here to argue with you." He drowns the contents of his glass and slams it down on the table before stalking back behind his desk. He huffs and falls into his chair still staring at me intently.

"You are such a fucking liar." My eyes buck.

"I'm not like you Fitz. I actually took my vows serious." He scoffs.

"Taking your vows serious means begging my mistress to come fuck me because you don't want to." I shake my head and close my eyes, standing to leave I'm not having this conversation. He grabs my arm. "I see you're running as usual." I snatch my arm from him and roll my eyes.

"I did not bring your mistress to you because I didn't want you. I asked her back because it made me feel like I had control over a situation that I knew I didn't. I knew you'd see her anyway so that I could sleep at night I convinced myself that I was allowing it." My voice breaks and I look away willing the tears not to come. "We can discuss the kids later." I don't look at him again as I leave the Oval.

_I know there are no guarantees  
See in love you take your chances  
But somehow it seems unfair to me  
Just look at the circumstances_

I'm numb, I'm scared, I'm hopeful I'm a lot of things. I took my annual exam and the doctor found a lump. I've been reticent in doing my monthly exams so I had not felt it. Arrangements have been made for me to get a mammogram. I sit staring out the window of our bedroom. I hear him enter but do not turn. I cannot deal with him right now.

"Plotting how you can make my life more of a living hell." He snarls at me. I do not turn or answer my thoughts are not on him and instead on my health. "Playing the not hearing game again are we?" I can tell he is standing close behind me but I refuse to acknowledge his presence. I do not plan to tell him about what's going on. He will just say I'm trying to use it to get garner sympathy. He continues to stand behind me. I make my decision. I stand and face him.

"I'm moving to Blair House." He looks momentarily stunned but then narrows his eyes to angry slits.

"So you can go fuck Andrew." I roll my eyes not believing we are doing this again.

"Yep that's exactly why Fitz." I say sarcastically as I step around him to head to the closet so I can pack a few things. He is close behind me.

"Leave my son here." I laugh.

"Because that's worked in the past. He'll be going with me." He stands in the doorway staring me down.

"Is this one of your schemes?" I take a deep breath before turning to address him.

"Fitz I'm not scheming, I'm tired. It's clear you don't want me around so around I will not be."

"I want you permanently gone not temporarily while you throw a fit." I shut my eyes tightly and count to ten trying to quail my emotions I refuse to let him see me cry. I don't say anything else there is nothing left to say. When I have packed all the clothes I want I turn with my bag and move past him out of the closet he is once again nipping at my heels. "Don't for one second think I'm falling for this act. You can go to Blair House thinking it's going to cause me to yearn and long for you but it won't."

"I know" I say simply as I gather a few belongings from the bathroom. I walk out of the bedroom to make arrangements to be moved to Blair House.

_Through sickness and health  
'Till death do us part  
Those were the words  
That we said from our hearts_

I've been in Blair House for a week now. I had a mammogram and indeed I do have a lump in my breast. I will be going today for a biopsy. I will be going alone. I have not informed Fitz and I do not think I will. I am preparing to leave for my appointment when I notice Andrew standing in the doorway to the living room staring at me.

"Andrew I wasn't expecting you." He gives me a small smile as he steps fully into the room.

"I came to check in on you, I don't see you around the White House much lately."

"I try to stay away from places I am not wanted. Thank you for your visit but I have an appointment I have to get to." He nods.

"Everything ok? You seem preoccupied and worried." I am astounded that he can read me and that he pays attention. It's been so long since Fitz has paid any attention to me.

"I'm fine" I run my fingers through my hair. He looks at me curiously not at all convinced by my words.

"Well I see you aren't ready to talk but when you are you know where to find me." I nod, he smiles one last time before exiting. I finish gathering my belongings before I leave to go to my appointment.

When I return I am sore and tired. I am helped to my bed by my assistant who I have sworn to secrecy. I am almost in a deep sleep when I feel someone standing over me, my eyes pop open and I come face to face with stormy blue grey eyes. I groan, not really in the mood to deal with him right now. I sit up in bed and grimace at the sudden movement. Avmomentary flash of what looks to be concern crosses his face but then he buries it.

"Yes Fitz."

"Mellie I can't go on like this. I am not happy, you are not happy. I have found someone else that I love and I should be able to be with her. I'm divorcing you and no one will be able to stop me this time." I swallow the lump down. Of course when I may be in for the fight of my life he wants to leave me. I can't say anything so I just nod.

"Please don't make a scene. You will get a generous settlement and I will make sure that I help you with any political aspirations you may have. There is no reason to fight this, you don't even like being first lady." I still just nod my head, I do not trust myself to speak. He looks at me surprised that I haven't spoken. He looks at me one last time before turning and leaving. I sit up in the bed unable to move for what seems like an eternity. Suddenly it feels like the world is crashing in around me. My breath comes out in strangled waves. The pain is deeper than anything I've ever experienced. I feel like I am drowning and there is nothing I can do to help myself. He's threatened divorce before but I know this time he is serious.

_So now when you say  
That you're leaving me  
I don't get that part, hell no_

My doctor makes a house call and I know it can't be good. She delivers the news that I dreaded. Still I don't cry, I refuse to cry. As she is leaving a White House aide comes with a package for me. I open the envelope to see divorce papers. My jaw clenches and my chest tightens. The emotional toll is too much and I crumple to the ground laying my head in my lap, a single tear escapes and I wipe it away. He's not worth my tears.

_Well, I'm not gon cry, I'm not gon cry  
I'm not gon shed no tears  
No, I'm not gon cry, it's not the time  
'Cuz you're not worth my tears_


	3. Burn

**A/N: **Thanks everyone for the reviews really appreciate it. This is a continuation of Not Gon Cry thought it would suck to leave you guys hanging. The next part of this will not be related it will stand on its own like Lately and will be the last part of this series. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.

Mellie signed the papers and moved out with no incidence. I was shocked that it was as easy as it was and honestly the fact that she didn't put up any fuss is quite worrisome. I can't help but to think that she is planning something. A part of me felt that the time was not right, there was something in her eyes, but we've been unhappy for so long. I couldn't stand it any longer. I felt like I was in a straight jacket and was ready to bust free from the confines of that relationship. She was not the woman I thought she was, I wanted a partner, but Mellie had no problem going behind my back and scheming for power. I could no longer trust her and I knew she wasn't going to change so I had to make a change and end it.

_It's gonna burn for me to say this  
But it's comin' from my heart  
It's been a long time coming  
But we done been fell apart  
Really wanna work this out  
But I don't think you're gonna change  
I do but you don't  
Think it's best we go our separate ways_

I know to the outside world I look like I am being selfish, but after so many years of unhappiness for both of us it just didn't make sense to continue on this way. Mellie shutting me out hurt me deeper and more profoundly than I've ever been willing to admit even to myself. I loved her deeply, she was my everything and then she just…..changed. Well I guess not really I guess her true nature came out. After all my father brokered a deal so that I could have her. Once she had her hooks in me, marriage, a child all bets were off and she decided not to pretend to love me or even remotely care for me. Maybe she was tired too since she gave me the divorce so easily and left.

_Tell me why I should stay in this relationship  
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby  
Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with  
I think that you should let it burn_

It's been 2 months since Mellie moved out, the divorce is nearly final. I haven't seen her since the day I told her I was divorcing her. She's used her assistant to shuttle Teddy back and forth. I can't help that the curiosity has gotten the best of me and I have to see what she's up to. It's just all been so easy. I have Teddy, Mellie asked me to take him for a couple weeks which peaked my interest. I stand at her townhouse door waiting for her to answer. I never took Mellie for the townhouse type, palatial estates seemed more her type. I ring the bell two more times before I see her appear through the small glass pane in the door. She slowly opens the door and I can see she is shocked to see me.

"Fitz! What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?" She is wearing a robe and looks like she just got out of bed. She doesn't look like herself. She steps aside and lets me come in, I notice she pulls her robe closed tighter. There is something off I cannot put my finger on it.

"Is Teddy ok?" She seems nervous and we don't move away from the door. I look at her attire and tired appearance and I wonder if she has a man over, maybe that's why she wanted Teddy out of her hair for a few weeks. I wonder if Andrew's been around.

"Yes he's fine. I came to check in on you." She furrows her brow.

"Why?" She states suspiciously. I shrug. "Well I'm really tired so if that was all." I push myself away from the door I'd been leaning on and walk further into the home, past the foyer and into the living room. It's decorated as I suspected, classic furniture, elegant rugs and lamps, very Mellie. She slowly follows behind me.

"I like it." I say as I turn and look at her. There is a weariness to her. The sparkle not in her blue eyes like I am used to. "Mellie are you ok?" She looks at me surprised.

"Yes…I'm fine." I don't believe her. Maybe she's taking our divorce harder than I anticipated. She walks to a high back chair and slowly sits down. I am about to question her further when I hear the door open. I can't imagine who it could be, but they must be ok if the Secret Service let them by. My mouth nearly drops on the floor when Andrew Nichols rounds the corner. My eyes narrow and I realize my suspicions were correct. She knew he was coming that's why she wanted me to leave.

"Andrew." I say through clinched teeth. He steals a look at Mellie.

"What are you doing here Fitz?"

"I could say the same of you." He ignores me and looks at Mellie.

"You ok?" I watch the interaction between them and I feel like I've been left out of the loop.

"Yes Andrew I'm fine. Fitz was just here to….. Why were you here Fitz?"

"I told you to check in on you." I look at her quizzically.

"Right he's here to make sure I'm not plotting and scheming." She smiles tightly. Andrew rocks back on his heels and seems impatient. I guess he can't wait to get my wife back in bed.

"Where's Mindy?" He addresses Mellie again.

"I told her that she could leave. I'm….fine." I narrow my eyes knowing that something is up.

"Who's Mindy?" I ask.

"My assistant. You know Fitz I've been a bit under the weather and I want to get back to bed. It was…nice of you to stop by."

"Really? You think I'm going to fall for that. Clearly you and Andrew have something going on so why don't we all just be honest with each other here?" I'm annoyed that they think they can pull one over on me.

"Fitz, Mellie and I are just friends not that either of us owe you any explanations." I look at both of them again. I know I won't be getting anything from them. I stand and decide to leave.

"Well I need to be getting back. Mellie glad to see you are doing well." I leave, but I am in no way done with this situation.

_Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you  
Hate the thought of her being with someone else  
But you know that it's over  
We know that it's through  
Let it burn  
Let it burn  
Gotta let it burn_

Mellie still has Secret Service agents assigned to her. I task one of them with reporting back to me with what is going on with her. She and Andrew are hiding something and my gut tells me it's not just some secret affair. It seems that they have a much deeper secret and while I should just let it go I can't. She is after all the mother of my children.

Mellie's agent reports to me daily regarding her whereabouts. I am concerned at the amount of times that she goes to a medical building. The agent is not one that is privy to go with her into the office so I have no clue what she's being seen for. I have researched the building and there are many doctors in the building. I charge the agent with getting me more information. Until then I think I will pay Andrew a visit to see if I can get any information from him. I look at the time I know he should be in his office.

I arrive at Andrew's office and breeze past his secretary. He's sitting behind his desk looking over files when I walk in.

"I need to know what's going on with my wife." I have no patience or time for pleasantries. He just quirks up his brow but does not speak. "I know something isn't right with her and I know you know what it is and I want you to tell me."

"If there is something going on with Mellie, since she's your wife wouldn't she have told you?"

"She is the mother of my children I deserve to know what is happening with her."

"I think you gave up any right to Mellie the minute you threw her out on the streets for your whore." He spits venomously at me. As much as I want to sit here and argue with him I know it's a waste of my time. I turn and stalk out of his office. I will find other ways to get what I need.

I can't get this off my mind. I can't get how dull her eyes were or the knowing glances between her and Andrew. I have to know what they are hiding from me.

"Fitz what has you so preoccupied?" Olivia runs her fingers through my hair and kisses the side of my neck. I momentarily get lost in her touch but my mind goes back to the day I asked her for divorce. I think back to how she appeared to be in pain.

"Maybe I should talk to her former assistant." Olivia stops her motions.

"What?"

"Mellie's former assistant. She probably knows what's going on with her." I hear her sigh when I stand from the bed and begin to pace.

"Why does it matter Fitz? She's gone isn't that what you wanted?" I stop pacing and look at her.

"Yes but I still need to know what's going on with her. We have three children together." I look at her confused by her questions. She sighs and goes to the bathroom. My mind won't stop turning and I decide to try to get some information tonight. I leave the Residence and head back to the Oval.

Once in the Oval I track down the phone number of Mellie's old assistant. I take a quick glance at the clock, 10:43 I decide It isn't too late to give her a call. The phone rings twice before she answers. She is shocked it's me. I don't waste any time asking her about Mellie and as expected she is hesitant to divulge the secrets of her former boss. After more prodding she lets me know that Mellie had an outpatient surgery right before she left that she swore her to secrecy about. I thank her and hang up. My mind is still going 100 miles per hour. Whatever is going on with her she is clearly still ill.

I make my way back up to the Residence. Olivia is waiting up for me. I can tell from her folded arms and hard set mouth that she isn't happy with me.

"What?" I ask as I sit on the edge of the bed removing my shoes. She doesn't answer. I look over my shoulder at her. "Clearly you aren't happy so what is it?"

"You have told me for the last six years that you don't love her that you are indifferent to her and now that she is gone you can't stop talking about her, thinking about her." I am surprised that she seems to be jealous. I turn and walk over to her side of the bed.

"I'm not trying to get Mellie back. I am just concerned."

"If Mellie needs you she will tell you. Why don't you just leave it alone?"

"I can't." I say simply as I stand from the bed and go into the bathroom. I know she is going to be angry with me but this isn't about getting Mellie back, this isn't about romantic feelings this is about the woman who is still my wife, the mother of my children not being well, not coming to me for help.

_Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to  
Got somebody here but I want you  
'Cause the feelin' ain't the same by myself  
Callin' her your name  
Ladies tell me do you understand?  
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?  
It's the way I feel, I know I made a mistake  
Now it's too late I know she ain't comin' back_

I am shocked when the door to the Oval office opens and Mellie comes stalking in. I don't have a chance for pleasantries before she lights into me.

"How dare you go around asking about my personal business?" She says through clenched teeth.

"Am I supposed to know what you are talking about?" She plants both hands flat on my desk and leans in.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about Fitz. Stay out of my business. I am no longer your concern."

"When it comes to your health you are my concern. I will not stand idly by while you're going through something that could affect my children and not try to step in." Her eyes widen and she pushes away from the desk. She turns her back to me and takes a deep breath before turning to face me again.

"It's under control Fitz. I don't need you interfering."

"Does Andrew know?" I can't help the jealous feeling that surges through my body. She rolls her eyes.

"That's neither here nor there. Just back off." I stand and walk from around the desk to stand face to face with her.

"We are still husband and wife there isn't anything that he should know that I don't. If something goes on I would be the one that needs to talk to the children not him."

"Stop using the children to justify you nosing in my business Fitz."

"Mellie just tell me what's going on. If it's under control then it shouldn't be an issue." She closes her eyes and looks away. I know she is wrestling with herself. She opens her eyes and turns back to me.

"Leave it be Fitz." She says quietly before turning back and leaving the office.

I'm of course not going to do that. She looks better than when I last saw her, but still not one hundred percent. I move to my private office to make a few phone calls. After I hang up I await the information I asked for to be sent to my personal email. Finally I get the notification that an email has arrived. I open the files and begin to look through the documents. Suddenly something catches my eye and I take a deep shaky breath and close my eyes willing the information on the screen not to be correct. I open my eyes again and staring back at me medical records and claims for a lumpectomy and radiation. God she has cancer. My heart speeds up and feels like it's going to burst out of my chest.

I stand from my desk and pace, running my fingers through my hair. So many thoughts racing through my head. Most of all why didn't she tell me? Are we that fractured that she didn't think I needed to know this information? That I didn't deserve to have this information? I try to calm down so that I don't do anything rash. I reach over and dial Lauren.

"Has the firs….has Mellie left the White House yet?" She answers with an affirmative before I disconnect the call. I call my Secret Service team to let them know I need to leave the White House. I sit in my office trying to calm my nerves waiting for the word that everything is ready to go. Finally I get word that we can leave. The ride to her townhouse seems to take forever. Hopefully she has returned home. I am relieved when we arrive and I see her town car parked outside.

I wait for her to answer the door and when she does annoyance immediately colors her face. I don't wait to be invited in as I brush past her and walk into the living room. I hear her say please do come in under her breath. She follows me into the living room and I stand waiting.

"Why didn't you tell me that you had breast cancer?" She gasps.

"How did you find out?"

"It doesn't matter how I found out, what matters is I did and it wasn't from you!" I have tried to remain calm but I am angry.

"It was none of your business."

"Really! You didn't think I needed to know my wife and mother of my children was battling a deadly disease? Unbelievable!"

"My prognosis is good. It was caught early so I didn't think that it was something I needed to tell you. I'm not about to leave this earth anytime soon."

"Do you hear yourself? Mellie you have cancer, I needed to know that. These things could change at the drop of the hat and we need to talk to our children."

"No! We will not tell Karen and Gerry. I am fine, I will be fine!" Tears are pooling in her eyes and I lose some of my anger.

"Mellie."

"No Fitz!" I don't know why she is insistent that we not tell the kids.

"Ok we won't for now but I need you to be completely honest with me about your condition and progress." She nods affirmatively. "I assume Andrew knows." I can't keep the hard edge out of my voice.

"He's a good friend, has been for a long time." I clinch my jaw annoyed that he would know this information and not me.

"You should have told me."

"Maybe, but you know now."

"What's the plan?" I say as I sit on the sofa patting the cushion next to me. She goes to a chair and sits.

"I have two more weeks of radiation. It was caught very early and I had the lump removed. So far it doesn't appear to have spread."

"That's good Mellie. I know you will beat this thing." I say softly, feeling overwhelmed with the situation. "You should move back in the White House or at least Blair House so you can have round the clock care." She busts out laughing.

"When did you get such a sense of humor Fitz?"

"I'm not joking."

"I won't be moving anywhere. I get all the help I need here and plus I'm not an invalid. I have a nurse and Andrew comes and checks in on me." I roll my eyes.

"I bet he does." I say exasperated.

"Jealousy isn't becoming of you Fitz." She says in a teasing tone.

"I'm not jealous." I sound like a petulant child. "I just don't understand why you told him and not me." I'm whining I don't care.

"Because I needed a friend. This was not something I could keep to myself. I didn't want you to think I was using my condition to get out of the divorce." I blow out a breath surprised by her words.

"When did you find out?" She looks surprised by my question.

"The day you served me with papers, my doctor had just left telling me the news."

"I guess I have awesome timing, I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter it's not like it was a surprise." She stands and I can tell she's wanting me to leave. I stand as well.

"Please keep me posted and I will be checking in on you." She nods and we stand staring at each other. I move across the room and before she can react I take her in my arms in a tight hug and kiss the top of her head. Mellie is stunned silent and stiff. "I'm so sorry Mellie." I release her and step back to see a silent single tear roll down her cheek. She nods her head at me and I know that she understands. We say our goodbyes and I leave her home. My thoughts are with her the entire ride back to the White House.

_What I gotta do now  
To get my shorty back  
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do  
Without my boo  
You've been gone for too long  
It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours  
Imma be burnin' till you return_

I make my way back to the White House and go up to the Residence, Olivia is waiting for me.

"Where have you been?"

"I went to see Mellie." She rolls her eyes and I can tell she's about to start in on me. "She has cancer." I say before she can start.

"Oh my God Fitz!" She says clutching her chest.

"Yeah, breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and is going through radiation right now." Liv walks over to me and hugs me tightly. I hug her back burying my face in her neck as unshed tears flow from my eyes. "I'm scared. What if she…." She cuts me off.

"Don't even think like that. She's a fighter." She releases me. "When will you tell Gerry and Karen?"

"We aren't."

"What?"

"Mellie doesn't want them to know."

"I don't think that's wise Fitz." I give her a hard look that warns that she needs to let this go. "Fitz they deserve to know."

"Leave it." I walk into the bathroom and she follows me.

"Fitz this isn't…."

"I said leave it!" I yell at her and she jumps startled by my outburst. She nods and leaves me alone in the bathroom. I take a deep breath and hang my head, I can't deal with this. I'd convinced myself that Mellie was scheming and plotting I did not expect her to be facing a life threatening illness. For all the years I've known her she's barely even had a cold. I take another deep breath before pushing away from the sink and going back into the bedroom. Liv is nowhere to be found. I guess it's best. I remove my shoes and lay on the bed fully clothed. I am tired, weary the emotional load too much. Tears stream down my face. I cry for our kids, the thought of them losing their mother tears my heart to shreds. I cry for my marriage to Mellie, our friendship that fail by the waist side and not just because of her. I mostly cry for Mellie, that she has to go through this and without her husband. I close my eyes and say a silent prayer that she beats this, that we can be friends again and try to be a cohesive unit for our kids.

_I'm twisted 'cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on  
On the other side I wanna break down and cry  
I'm twisted 'cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on  
On the other side I wanna break down and cry, yeah_


	4. Reflections

**A/N**: So yeah this update was not supposed to take this long, but I lost my inspiration for a bit. Hopefully this doesn't suck as much as I think it does. Here's the ending to this little series of fics. I have some other ideas in my head that I hope to get written before the show starts and my thoughts get polluted with actual show canon.

"Honey you have to eat something." Fitz walks into the room and sits softly on the side of the bed. I am curled up in bed, not wanting to deal with life. I've tried to stay strong after the death of Gerry, but the pain is just too much.

"I'm not hungry." I mumble with my face in the pillow.

"That's what you've been saying for the past two days." He sighs quietly. "Mel you've got to eat. You can't just lay here and waste away, I won't let you do that." His voice is gentle, but there is a determined quality underlining it. My heart speeds up and I think back on how he'd take care of me when I was sick, in our earlier years.

_"__I know you said that you didn't want anything, but I brought you some chicken soup." Before I can reply my body is wracked with convulsive coughing. He rubs my back lovingly and kisses the top of my head. "I hate seeing you like this." _

"Mellie are you listening to me?" His voice brings me back to the present. I roll over and look at him. He tries to keep the shocked expression off his face. I know I look terrible. My eyes feel nearly swollen shut, my hair a matted mess I've had no interest in even simple grooming.

"Yes Fitz I'm listening." My voice is barely audible. The days of soul crushing sobs having caused my voice to give way. He leans forward and kisses my temple and I can't help but to think back to our happier times, when he loved me.

_Through the mirror of my mind  
Time after time  
I see reflections of you and me_

Fitz had to leave to go to the G8 Summit. It doesn't matter even when he's here I'm alone. He tries to appear that he is interested in what I am feeling, but I know the truth. I know that he's only showing any care for me out of some type of latent feeling of responsibility, out of pity.

I decide to leave the bedroom to go visit Teddy. The only time I see him is when Marta brings him to the bedroom to spend time with me. I've lost one son because I decided not to be a mother to him I can't have that happen with Teddy. When I reach his room he is not there. I inquire about his whereabouts and am told that Marta took him to the zoo. My heart drops I had looked forward to spending some time with him. Anything to keep me from thinking, feeling.

I trudge back to my bedroom. As soon as I cross the threshold I feel my emotions crashing down on me and I grab my chest feeling like I will suffocate. This bedroom has become like a prison, a reminder of how very alone I am. I make it to the side of the bed, before I collapse to the floor. My breath coming out in desperate heaves.

My rational mind tries to tell me that I'm just having an anxiety attack, but I can't help feeling like I am going to die. At that thought I stop fighting, comforted in that prospect, hopeful. After about half an hour I calm down. I am still sitting on the floor by the bed with my knees pulled up to my chest. When I move away from the bed I feel the cold air hit my sweat soaked back. My heartbeat returns to normal and I pull myself up from the floor, deciding that I need to go take a shower.

_Oh, I'm all alone now  
No love to shield me  
Trapped in a world  
That's a distorted reality_

I relive that moment that changed my life even more now that I have lost my son. It feels like all my reserves are breached and I can no longer keep the painful memories at bay. I didn't tell Fitz about the rape because I thought it was best for him. I didn't want him to hate his father anymore than he already did. I didn't want him to carry that burden. I never imagined he would walk away from me. I never imagined that he'd end up in the arms of another woman.

I lost a part of me that night, but I tried to piece myself back together by being a good and supportive wife, even if I couldn't be the Mellie that I used to be, the one that connected with him emotionally. I tried to compensate by pushing him to greatness, by encouraging him in his dreams by doing whatever it took to make those dreams happen, but all that got me was his scorn, hate, disdain and disgust.

He thought I did it all for me, that I was some type of political animal, but I never wanted it for me, only for him. I started with my own political aspirations once I lost him. After all what else did I have? My happiness was gone, my career gone, eventually my children grew up and were gone off to boarding school. Yes boarding school was my idea, but I wanted to spare them the constant reminder of the disintegration of mine and Fitz's marriage. I am no angel, but I'm not a monster either. I wish I could go back to those happier times and do so much over.

_Happiness you took from me  
And left me alone  
With only memories_

I have decided to leave the Residence and try to get back to some semblance of normal. I walk to the East Wing toward my office. I keep my head held high not wanting to look at the faces of those I am passing knowing that there will be looks of pity. I don't want pity. I want to feel better, I want my son back, I want to be happy. I want my husband to love me again.

I reach my office without breaking down and a small smile graces my features at that little victory. I have many emails most of them words of condolences. After reading a few of them I shut my computer down and start looking through my calendar that my Chief of Staff printed and left on my desk. I adjust my chair and it knocks into the book case behind my desk. I hear a shatter and I immediately know what it is.

I turn to see the small Swarovski Tar Heel figurine that Fitz gave me on our first anniversary shattered into tiny bits. I just stare at it, the small broken fragments seem so appropriate.

_"__I saw this on my trip to Carolina and immediately thought of you. I hope you like it." I can't keep the smile off my face. It's not an extravagant gift, but it's so thoughtful and so Fitz._

_" __I love it honey." I launch myself into his arms and he hugs me tightly, lifting me off the ground and gently swinging me. He sits me back on the floor and kisses me intensely. I run my fingers through his curls and we get lost in each other. _

The ringing of my phone brings me back to the present and I wipe an errant tear from my face that I hadn't even known had rolled down my cheek. I look over at my phone and notice that it's Fitz. I take a deep breath before answering it. He tells me that he'll be coming home a little later than planned and I immediately know from his tone, that she's back and he's going to her. I don't say anything after he delivers the news and just hang up.

_Through the mirror of my mind  
Through these tears that I'm crying  
Reflects a hurt I can't control  
'Cause although you're gone  
I keep holding on  
To the happy times  
Oh, when you were mine_

"Mellie" It's more a question than a statement. I'm standing in the rose garden staring off into the distance. I don't turn and I feel him get closer to me, finally he touches my shoulder. "It's good to see you outside of the bedroom." Still I don't respond. He walks around me and comes to stand in front of me staring intently into my eyes. "Are you ok?"

"No" I say simply as I turn to walk toward a stone bench. I sit down heavily so tired, so very tired of it all. He walks over and sits next to me. He makes a move to pull me into his embrace and I shrug him off. "Don't." he sighs and runs his hands over his face.

"We've suffered a terrible tragedy, don't push me away." I feel his gaze boring into the side of my face, but I won't, can't turn and face him.

"I don't want your pity."

"Mellie I feel what you feel, I lost my son too." I let out a sarcastic laugh. I see out the corner of my eyes that he is looking at me with a mixture of shock and concern.

"You couldn't possibly feel what I feel Fitz. I've lost everything, my son, my marriage, myself."

"Mels I'm still here."

"Barely." I say softly. He doesn't correct me. I think about all the things I have wasted and let slip through my fingers in the name of love. Love that ended up being my undoing. I should have walked away a long time ago. Maybe things would have turned out differently, maybe my son would still be alive. My brief moment of solitude is lost because of his presence and I stand to head back into the White House without another word.

_As I peer through the window  
Of lost time  
Looking over my yesterdays  
And all the love I gave all in vain  
All the love  
That I've wasted  
All the tears  
That I've tasted  
All in vain_

_Through the hollow of my tears  
I see a dream that's lost  
From the hurt  
That you have caused_

I stay in my office until everyone has left the East Wing. I can no longer tolerate the looks. I slowly make my way to the residence hoping that Fitz is either asleep or in another bedroom. When I reach our room he is sitting up in bed reading. I can never catch a break. I move across the room and head into the closet to grab a few things so I can go sleep in another bedroom. I'm packing a small bag and I run across one of his t-shirts in my belongings. I often found his old t-shirts more comfortable than my own night clothes.

It had been so many years since I'd slept in one of his shirts. I bring the shirt to my nose and smell his scent. It's not necessarily a cologne it's just uniquely, intoxicating him. I close my eyes and remember those times when I'd come home after a long day at the office, take a shower , cuddle up with a book in one of his shirts. He'd come home from his office and we'd eat dinner together and then make love till we fail asleep from exhaustion. I take a deep breath and stuff the shirt into one of his drawers no use in thinking about times that will never be again.

_Everywhere I turn  
Seems like everything I see  
Reflects the love that used to be_

I emerge from the closet and he stares at me.

"Where are you going?" I'd hoped he'd just let me leave.

"I'm going to sleep in Karen's room tonight." I move to leave, but his voice stops me as he stands from the bed. He's just wearing his pj bottoms and I momentarily admire the beautiful man in front of me.

"Don't do that Mellie. Don't shut me out. Aren't you tired of shutting me out?" I know he's trying to goad me into opening up, but only a white hot anger flashes through me.

"No what I'm tired of doing is pretending. I do believe that you are as well." I can't keep all the hurt and anger out of my voice.

"If I didn't know any better I'd think you were angry with me."

"You walked away from me." I didn't mean to get into this.

"What?"

"When I needed you, you left me all alone Fitz. Left me to have to do it all by myself."

"I'm here now." He steps closer to me. He moves to embrace me, but I step away. "Why are you being this way? I'm trying to comfort you."

"Maybe it's too little too late Fitz." I walk around him and leave the room.

_In you I put  
All my faith and trust  
Right before my eyes  
My world has turned to dust_

I make my way to Karen's room and before I can settle into bed he bursts into the room. I stand staring at him as he slams the door and stalks over to me.

"Let me have it." My eyes widen. "Tell me what a bastard I am, tell me it's my fault that my father raped you, tell me it's my fault that our son is dead. Tell me how much you hate me and wish we'd never met. Tell me Mellie!"

"I'm not doing this with you Fitz. I'm not going to sit here and go on and on about how horrible you are so you can say some flowery words to make yourself feel better. I'm tired Fitz."

"You want to punish me because I didn't know that my father raped you, you want to punish me because I fail in love with another woman when you shut me out!"

" I want to punish you because of all the broken promises. For all the nights I sat alone and cried, for all the love I gave you in vain, for all the lies, for leaving me when I needed you the most!" Tears are streaming down my face. He stands stark still, processing all that I have said. He turned and left the bedroom without another word. Fitz never did like being confronted with the truth.

_After all the nights  
I sat alone and wept  
Just a handful of promises  
Are all that's left of loving you_

Once he's gone I sit on the bed and remove the photo album that I'd brought with me out of the bag. I page through it looking at all the happy times we had as a family. I sigh knowing that these days will never be again and all I have left is the memories. All I have left of love lost is the faint feelings of yesterday, the brief flashes in his eyes that give me hope that somewhere deep within him that he still feels a shred of love for me. That all he feels for me is not pity and that I am not a burden to him. My eyes land on a picture of Fitz and I laughing in front of the Christmas tree on our first Christmas after we'd gotten married. He was happy, I was happy. I've been so angry with him, but truth be told Big Jerry took love from both of us, Fitz just had an easier time moving on to find someone else to love.

_Reflections of  
The way life used to be  
Reflections of  
The love you took from me_

I close the book and lay it on the bedside table. I pull the covers over my body trying to shield myself from the cold loneliness. I miss my son, I miss my husband, I miss the woman I used to be.

_In you I put  
All my faith and trust  
Right before my eyes  
My world has turned to dust..._


End file.
